We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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