Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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