today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize