I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
