I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
