true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
