do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
