I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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