Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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