She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
