covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
