i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
