happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
