I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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