Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
