I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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