Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
