dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
