Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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