I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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