I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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