My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
