Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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