I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
