When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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