Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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