I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
