Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
