That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
