I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
