you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
