Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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