I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
