Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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