WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
