I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
