how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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