He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
it was like having sex with a tree stump
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
