i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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