I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
