Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
