you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
