You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
