Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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