We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just blew my weed a kiss
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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