he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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