oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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