In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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