Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
