i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
