Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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