And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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