Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
