Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
