I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
