apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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