Grow some girl-balls and come out already
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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