You don't have asthma, your pregnant
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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