You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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