I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
