Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
