The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
